Sleeping with your bed partner

How did you guys handle sleeping with a bed partner? Every time I get sleep he would move and I would be wide awake. I did sleepio course before and sleep counseling while sleeping in a separate bedroom but it really put stress on our relationship. It was like we were just roommates. My sleep did improve while I was sleeping alone but as soon as I tried to sleep in the same bed as my husband, the insomnia all came back. I think it is now worse than ever. So I am desperate and I have a 1 yr old to take care of during the day. I am trying the sleepio course again but this time remaining in the same bed as my husband. However, I am not sleeping. Any advice is appreciated

Posted 6 Feb 2013 at 10:05 AM
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  • Sleepio Member

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    Graduate

    Hello everyone. I have the same problem as you all, I actually almost only have insomnia when my partner is here. He sometimes snores but even when he doesn't, any movement or breath keeps me awake. I also sometimes go to another room (if available as we share flats with other people). I have become very anxious whenever he is around that I just won't be able to sleep and so this has become the problem now. I am only on week 2 so probably should give it more time, but it is really hard to associate sleeping problem to the presence of partner.

  • Sleepio Member

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    Hello Mez,

    It's particularly tough in these early Sleepio days isn't it. You're doing well to identify the threats to your sleep and to try to find solutions to them. Of course it's different for everyone, but for me, bailing out was the only solution to my husband's snoring, whistling, talking, sniffling, shifting, shouting, and exclaiming as he stubbed his toe on the way to the toilet. Of course it only works if you're lucky enough to have another bed to bail out into, and if you can convince your best-beloved that it's a good idea, and that you're not deserting him for ever.

    Next week you will begin sleep restriction (SR) and the quarter hour rule (QHR)....they'll be explained to you by the Prof, and they're tough, but most Sleepios will tell you they're the two most effective tools for getting sleep back on track. I'm wondering too if they'd be the ideal time to bail out of the shared bed, even if only temporarily. You will then have a very plausible reason to do this because QHR and SR will, for a while, entail you going to bed and getting up at different, and probably unsocial hours, and getting out of bed when you can't sleep. Knowing that this will happen, you could explain to your sleeping elsewhere as consideration on your part, and it wouldn't sound as if you were blaming your o.h.

    I wish you luck in finding a happy solution for you both which allows you both a good night's rest.

    I'd be very interested to know how you resolve this, and I think other Sleepios in your position would too. It's such an important part of getting a good nights rest, and can be so difficult to negotiate in the early Sleepio days.

    All the best, Doodle.

  • Sleepio Member

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    I wonder if anyone had any more thoughts on this issue? I have successfully completed sleepio and have slept well for around 10 months now…..on my own.
    I cannot sleep next to my partner, or anyone else for that matter. I simply do not sleep a wink lying next to someone, but especially my snoring partner.
    How do I overcome this? I am looking to buy my first house tis year where I will need to face sleeping with my partner at some point????

    Thanks

  • Sleepio Member

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    Session 5

    I have been divorced for some time and then met a partner who moved in with me. I explained that I was unsure I could sleep with someone so we are going to set up the extra room as though it is his. Sure enough, only rarely could a get a good night's sleep in the same queen size bed.

    Finally, I asked to have a heart to heart on the sleep issue, explaining how sleep affects my function so much and how resentful I become when he is snoring and sleeping so soundly without problem. I had very specific examples regarding the stress I feel all night and during the day without sleep, my moodiness when I am tired, and the lack of energy and wanting to do anything. I explained it was really unfair to me to be tired all the time and how it takes away from him and us as a couple.

    I stated we had to find a compromise or I was afraid this might eventually be a breaking point in our relationship. He realized this might be so from my explanation. We decided that I would try to go to sleep in the same bed but I had to come in on my own schedule when I was tired. After 45 minutes, if I didn't feel like I was going to be able to fall asleep, I was to get up and go to my own bed in my own room or sleep on the couch as I do at times. We agreed that perhaps extra attention and affection during our waking times might be in order but that he needed to understand how important this was for my benefit and our overall relationship.

    Quite frankly, a young friend was diagnosed with fairly severe Crohn's Disease and they ended up parting company because she was unable to accomodate sleeping in the same bed and he couldn't understand her need. Myself, I think it was a bit selfish on his part. She now says she wishes she had awakened him every time she could not sleep and let him see how it feels to function daily without sleep. The problem was she also had the discomfort of Crohn's!

  • Sleepio Member

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    Session 3

    Did this get better?

  • Sleepio Member

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    If you don’t hear back from this person, it’s possible they may no longer belong to sleepio. The last post was in May 2017.

  • Sleepio Member

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    I'm so glad to read I'm not the only person with this problem. Although I've had insomnia in the past, for many years now it has only been transient because I have a bag of tricks/techniques that is usually quite effective. However, as my husband and I are getting older, he seems to be getting noisier with the snoring and he gets up several times a night to use the toilet and is quite a heavy/noisy walker and just drops into the bed with such a thud that it shakes the whole house. So now I often just get out of bed when the noise and motion get too much and sleep on the sofa, but this upsets him. He says if I love him I'll stay in bed. I say if I stay in bed I'll get so annoyed I'm going to want to get a divorce and there goes 35 years together down the toilet :-)
    I LOVE it when we go on a trip and can stay in a king bed -- his thudding into the mattress doesn't shake me. I wish our bedroom wasn't so tiny and we could fit a larger mattress -- we can only fit a full bed. Even a queen would be better from my experience in hotels. But he even complains when we stay in large beds in hotels that I am too far away from him!!! (I think being far away also helps me not notice the snoring so much -- I wear earplugs and it can still bother me.) And when I've told him I sleep so much better in the large beds he gets offended! And I don't dare hurt his feelings even more telling him I enjoy it when he has to take a business trip and I can sleep without earplugs!
    Sleepio is a good program, but it's not much help when it comes to problems with your sleep partner :-)

  • Sleepio Member

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    I am so pleased to hear that so many of you have the same problem as me!
    My partner of many years has a real problem with his sleep and very often gets just a few hours and then at the weekends he sleeps until lunchtime to catch up. He says he doesn't have the discipline for a programme like this.
    He tosses and turns until he drops off, often at 4 or 5 in the morning. I don't know how he functions.
    He goes to bed after I do most of the time. To manage not being woken by him when he comes to bed I have eye patches and ear plugs.
    Often his tossing and turning – it feels like he's in a fight sometimes(!) – wakes me up, and then I get stressed thinking I won't get back to sleep.
    We have progressed to a super king sized bed, an immovable bed frame and a memory foam mattress. This has helped a lot, but going away and staying with friends/family is something I put off if I know they only have a small double. Sometimes I have actually taken a camping mat and sleeping back with me and sneaked them in so I can resort to the floor if things get bad. Ridiculous huh! It's not something I feel comfortable admitting to, it makes me feel like a failure in some way and I hate to explain to others why as it places unfair blame and stress on him. If he knows he keeps me awake that makes it even harder for him to get to sleep and more tossing and turning. A viscous cycle.
    I am in week 5 of this training, and it is helping me to calm down and go back to sleep, but sometimes I still do resort to the spare room. Particularly if this scenario goes on for a few nights.
    It's so very hard and I completely sympathise with others who have contributed on this topic.

  • Sleepio Member

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    If packing along the camping mat works for you, I think that's great! You are NOT a failure -- you've come up with something that works! You don't have to explain it to anybody, or if someone notices and asks, you don't have to blame your husband -- you can just say that sometimes you have trouble sleeping when it's not your own bed. Maybe not exactly what's going on, but it's not an untruth if you don't like white lies :-)

  • Sleepio Member

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    Maybe look into a split queen mattress, also called a dual queen mattress. It’s essentially two smaller mattresses pushed together to look like the size of a queen bed. I don’t have one, but someone on this site mentioned it. You don’t feel the thuds. If there’s any way to fit it into your room, it might be just the thing you need.

  • Sleepio Member

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    My husband is a snorer, if I am asleep before him I stand a chance,however when I wake in the night I don’t stand a chance.

  • Sleepio Member

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    Have you tried earplugs? They work for me, like a miracle. I am a very light sleeper and they help quite a bit. I used to use the bullet shaped foam earplugs, but they started to make my ears itch. I switched to the disposable silicone blobs, and they are perfect. Each pair lasts a week or two until it picks up dust and fuzz and you need to replace them. Hope this helps.

  • Sleepio Member

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    I know just what you mean. I have the same issue. And my mother used to say the same thing about needing to fall asleep before my dad. (My dad snored so loud, one night when I was coming home from a event as a teen I heard him from outside as I approached the front door to put the key in the lock!)
    I've worn earplugs since I was in college and living between train tracks and a freeway. (Over 40 years now!) When you've got someone sawing away next to you they merely muffle the sound and don't do a thing about the vibration, but they do help -- a lot. But it can require a bit of experimentation to find a brand/style that fits most comfortably.

  • Sleepio Member

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    Session 5

    Hi there. This is all so similar to my issues with my husband. Though I actually sleep well as due to the unsocial hours that we both work it’s very rare that we actually sleep in the same bed unless we are both on the same days off. My issue is more trying to sleep with my husband in the bed but the worst thing About it is when on holiday if we are doing a lot of sightseeing or I’m excited about something this is when the issue kicks in as I’m not rested the following day for thinking of all we have done and will do. Like the kid on Xmas eve scenario! I’m going a cruise in January and sharing a cabin with a female friend. I’m worried I won’t sleep if she disturbs me or worried that I may disturb her. This issue has ruined a couple of days of holidays due to my lack of sleep and I dont want to let myself or anyone else down
    By being a wet blanket and would love to return from a holiday saying I had an absolute ball. Doctor has given me zopiclone to try for short term use. He said to try it at home first to see how I react which I havent done yet I’m thinking it could be a standby as if I lose one nights sleep I can cope but two nights and I start to panic so I cd use it on the 2nd night if need be and hopefully. Any thoughts Sleepio members?

  • Sleepio Member

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    I was using Ativan when I started sleepio, and had been using it for over 10 years. Over many months, I gradually reduced and then eliminated the pills. But I do use them occasionally, such as on a cruise or when sleeping at a friend’s house, or if I have jet lag. By the time you’re going on your cruise, you might have absorbed enough sleepio skills to help you sleep without anxiety or over-excitement. But if you have to take them for a couple nights of the cruise, and then stop, I wouldn’t consider this a problem.

  • Sleepio Member

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    When my husband snores, I can go to another room to go back to sleep. But not on a cruise. I got a free app for my IPhone called Simply Being. There are various sounds like ocean waves or light rain (my favorite) and I can put it on endless loop. With earbuds on, I manage very well.

  • Sleepio Member

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    Session 5

    Thanks Auntie HoHo re your positive comments. I will give the tablets a try on a night at home maybe when I feel I might not sleep well. As long as they are just for standby use I’ll b happy to use in emergency situations. Great point re the earbuds Dakota Rose as I use those sounds on Alexa sometimes. Might invest in earbuds. Appreciate your comments too. Xx

  • Sleepio Member

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    Session 2

    I have the same issue with my partner, his snoring, heavy breathing or moving around in bed disturbs my sleep and I end up sleeping on the sofa.

    Most the time I don't bother going to bed and just sleep on the sofa and manage to sleep through the night.

  • Sleepio Member

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    Session 5

    Still haven’t tried the sleeping tablet at home yet but decided to take some action after a night with my husband jumping around like Skippy the bush kangaroo. Had a light bulb moment at 5am that the only way I would get used to this is to try to take the Sleepio advice of desensitising and sleep together every night no matter what odd hours we r working. Not expecting the next few wks to b a rollercoaster but so far so good. I remember reading somewhere years ago that it takes 3 weeks to adjust to something new! Last night Husband went to bed 2010 and got up at 440, I went at 2150 and got up at 0600. Took a while to fall over and took 2 kalms at 2330 then heard him getting up but was so pleased I managed to get over again until my 6am alarm. We (well I) decided that we shouldn’t give each other a hard time if we couldn’t sleep and the spare room is there in emergency. What a difference it makes when I stop blaming him for my lack of sleep and just try to sort my own mindset out. I did wear ear plugs which seriously help but I’m so hoping to get over this and go without any aids. It’s true sleeping in separate beds makes you feel like companions rather than partners and when he worked night shift it was fine as there was no option but now he is day shift albeit an early start we really need to adjust to this and hopefully then I won’t go without sleep on holidays where we are forced to sleep together. The Sleepio advice that the first few hours are restorative also helps my mindset the following day when Iv not had a full night. Next time I buy a new bed I think I’ll go for the divided mattress though – that is a good shout

  • Sleepio Member

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    Session 5

    PS should have said ‘expecting the next few weeks to b a bit of a rollercoaster (rather than not expecting lol)

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